My Mom’s Death: How cognitive behavioral strategies work in life’s hardest moments

My mom died in August 2023, six months after she finished chemotherapy for her second bout with breast cancer. After a double mastectomy at age 76 and 14 months of chemo which left her debilitated for 2 weeks each month, she was diagnosed with MDS, a type of cancer which can occur as a result of chemotherapy. Treating MDS was even more exhausting than treating the breast cancer, and 1 month after her diagnosis, my mom made the decision to stop treatment and enter hospice. She died on August 12^th.

Why am I sharing such a personal story with you? It comes down to how we care for ourselves, and effectively function, even in the middle of the worst challenges in our lives. When I work with C-suite leaders, entrepreneurs, and business owners, they report anxiety, stress, and fear in themselves and in their employees at unprecedented levels. So I found myself sharing the loss of my mom to help my clients understand that cognitive behavioral strategies can work even with life’s hardest experiences.

Identifying the Situation

Losing my mom was unlike anything I’d been through. The pain and the loss were overwhelming. I had a hard time concentrating. My energy was depleted. I cried daily. And I was frustrated by all of it.

On one particularly hard day, my husband gently asked me what I’d tell a client whose emotions were getting in the way of their functioning. His reminder put me on a path of choice – choosing to take active steps to move from grief to mourning and create control over my process.

Identifying Cognitive Distortions

Cognitive distortions, those irrational thoughts that create emotions we don’t want, were a significant focus of my self-reflection. I recognized distorted thinking patterns that got in my way, creating feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and stress. I identified when I catastrophized (“Life is short, and I don’t have enough time to do all the things I want to accomplish”, “What if other people I love die?”) and overgeneralized (“I’m never going to feel like myself again.”, “What if my drive never comes back?”). These distortions exacerbated my grief and undermined my functioning, making it essential for me to challenge and reframe these thoughts.

Applying Cognitive Restructuring

Cognitive restructuring is a fundamental aspect of cognitive-behavioral methodology, and it was time for me to put into practice what I so often told my clients. I actively worked to reframe any negative thoughts and beliefs by asking myself questions like, “Is this thought based on reality, or is it a distortion?” and “What evidence do I have to support or contradict this belief?” By challenging my distorted thinking, I slowly shifted my perspective, finding moments of clarity and relief. On repeat, I talked back to my brain when it tried to undermine me – “There is plenty of time to achieve what I want”, “I will feel better, but it will take time”. These reframes allowed me to think objectively and realistically.

Mindfulness and Grounding Techniques

Incorporating mindfulness and grounding techniques into my daily routine became crucial for managing the emotions that often overwhelmed me. I practiced specific strategies to help keep me connected to the present. I incorporated more walks outside, knowing the research around being in nature and getting sunshine during the day. I reinstituted the nightly “joy journal” I stopped doing during my mom’s illness to retrain my brain to focus on moments of joy, happiness, or peace. When emotions became overwhelming, I took time to identify sensory experiences to keep me in the moment.

Setting Realistic Goals

As a cognitive behavioral coach, I often guide clients in setting realistic and achievable goals to enhance their optimal functioning. This was imperative for me during the mourning process for my mom. Giving myself the permission to set small, manageable goals often carried me through the harder days. On days when my energy was high and my thoughts were clear, I tackled bigger projects. On days when I faced more challenges with my thoughts and emotions, I did smaller things – clearing out my email, or creating an outline for a blog rather than writing the whole thing. Sometimes those smaller things were simply around giving myself grace – taking a nap, integrating more breaks in my day, reorganizing a busy day into 1 or 2 key tasks to focus on. These moments allowed me to rebuild a sense of normalcy without pressure.

Seeking Support

Acknowledging the need for support is a crucial step in any healing journey. Even though I knew steps to take care of my mental well-being, doing those things and tapping into the strategies I encourage in my clients wasn’t easily accessible in the midst of my grief. I turned to my husband and relied on conversations with my sister to deal with the emotions that could avalanche on me. When that wasn’t enough, I reached out to my therapist for some booster sessions. Instead of telling myself that I could get through it on my own, I let myself be receptive to external support to help me navigate the complex terrain of my emotions.

Conclusion

To be clear, applying cognitive behavioral strategies is not to ignore our feelings. The purpose of these strategies is not to create a world of “rainbows and unicorns” or to imply people should be happy all the time. Cognitive behavioral strategies simply allow us to decide what emotions we feel and when. There are times when I want to feel the sadness of losing my mom and I let myself. In those moments, I also get to choose just how long I want to feel sad. Other emotions – like stress or anxiety – never serve me so I actively choose to apply strategies immediately because those emotions have no purpose in my functioning.

When individuals and clients ask me whether cognitive behavioral strategies can help them, particularly in a year filled with potential strife and obstacles, my answer is a very clear and emphatic “yes”. While the external situation might still be challenging, cognitive behavioral techniques allow us to manage our internal experience of the situation. These steps and strategies give us ways to control our thoughts in order to function and feel how we want to, ultimately allowing us to get through our challenges more effectively.